november 15, 2010

extra pickles, hold the onions.

do you know the secret ingredient in pickles? i'll tell you. it's alum. coincidently this is also the secret ingredient in the new liquid roll-on tom's of maine deodorant i recently purchased. they call it "crystal confidence deodorant," partly i'm assuming because they wished to dissuade any would-be consumers from ever purchasing it, but mostly because "pickle juice" didn't make it past the marketing trials, despite it's uncanny accuracy.

my options are two-fold:

a. pay nothing, smell like onions.

b. pay $3.50, smell like pickles.

it just so happens, this very situation is how the term "win-win" was coined.


may 22, 2010

ends meat.

i recently realized that the phrase 'to make ends meet' is not a recipe utilizing the dry end pieces of a pot roast that you only dare purchase when you were poor.

also, ponies are not mythical creatures.



march 17, 2010

neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night (or) this is a test.

i was reading i'm a stranger here myself by bill bryson some time ago in which i came across the following paragraph:

it happens that i had recently read an article on wordplay in the smithsonian magazine in which the author asserted that some puckish soul had once sent a letter addressed, with playful ambiguity, to:

HILL
JOHN
MASS

and it had gotten there after the postal authorities had worked out that it was to be read as "john underhill, andover, mass."

this i thought was very clever, and i wanted to believe the story, so i decided to do a little experiment of my own. i created twenty different postcards where the address was a connect-the-dots puzzle. the postal authorities connect the dots, the address appears, and in theory the postcard will reach its final destination, easy right? we drove all over seattle one evening, dropping half of them anonymously in the big blue mailboxes. we dropped the other half in olympia, tacoma, and gig harbor while on trips home, to insure the postcards saw as many different postal workers as possible.

now, you would assume that the usps, with a creed like this...

neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. ever.

...would not have too much trouble filling in a middle-school level connect-the-dots puzzle, but you would be wrong. suddenly the stories of selfless postmen dutifully delivering letters and packages decades after they were originally mailed lost their awe. instead of applauding the efforts that eventually got the letters and packages delivered, i started wondering, "but why weren't they delivered in the first place?"

twenty postcards mailed, eight delivered. the part that kills me the most is the "ever" on the end of the usps creed. i think that may have been a typo, but then maybe i should just wait three more decades before i draw any real conclusions.


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february 12, 2010

"circumvent." it means "to go around."

if you don't know me, i am tall, thin, bearded, and most notably a woman, but i digress.

my wife was shopping for dresses at nordstrom. a thirty-something, middle-eastern woman, void of facial expression and any sort of emotion in her tone asked, "will you be needing a fitting room?" she spoke directly to cat, ignoring my presence all together, which i took note of. as she led cat to the fitting rooms in the most direct and efficient route possible, i followed closely but with detached interest in actually arriving at our final destination. mostly i just wanted to sit down and rest somewhere, as i was becoming increasingly aware of why the phrase "shop till you drop" exists. i have little patience for retail, even on the best of days. as we came to the entrance to the fitting rooms the middle-eastern woman turned to me, blocking my way and said exactly what i was expecting. i've heard it a dozen times before, "i'm sorry but men are not allowed in the fitting rooms." she said it so-matter-of-factly, with a cadence i'm assuming acquired from years of repetition.

what i said in reply was, "but i'm a woman!"

my eyes carried a certain level of dejection and injustice. her face flooded with embarrassment. almost without pause she replied, "i'm so sorry, i didn't know..." i walked past her to cat's fitting room glancing back at her via the full-length three-way mirror at the end of the hallway. my own reflection i noticed with a new sense of awareness, was hopelessly masculine (brag?). i turned back to her before entering the fitting room and said in an apologetic voice, "it's ok, i get it all the time..."

circumvented.



january 28, 2010

the blue piano.

we drove out to enumclaw on a cold saturday morning in january, almost a year ago to the date. we had arranged to pick up what would become the piano for our engagement photo from a guy named rick. the piano i discovered, was found in an abandoned school house in the middle of montana some years prior. rick wasn't much for eye contact, but he was nothing short of enthusiastic about filling me in on every bit of history, important or otherwise, regarding the piano. the owners of the school house, like any god-fearing couple worried that it was only a matter of time before the school house was struck by lightening and the piano taken victim in the flames. rick was the type to race snow mobiles in the winter, and a good deal of the rest of the year, snow or not. he also took to saving and rebuilding pianos in his spare time, which from what i gathered didn't exist anymore, but who needs spare time when you own snow mobiles, right? right.

"what will you do with it?" rick asked. there was curiosity but also a level of misgiving in his voice. "oh... i'm getting married..." is all i replied, trying my best to not betray my actual plans. i looked at him and smiled as sincerely as i knew how, trying to convey the bright future that lay in promise for the piano.

earlier in the week i had asked my father, brother, and brother-in-law if they would help me pick up the piano. my dad had a truck and a flatbed trailer, i also needed someone to push the shutter on the camera later that day, having all ten fingers he was a perfect candidate. when my brother heard the news of our plans he announced his own plans that once we were finished taking photos, he would light the piano on fire and blow it to pieces with his shotgun. having grown up with my brother, this was the sort of plan i came to expect. i packed a separate camera for the shotgun festivities, not wanting to miss a photo opportunity. my brother-in-law was not as quick to give up his saturday morning in humble service. before agreeing to the terms, he had made demands that his labor be repaid by way of a hot meal in a fancy restaurant. later however, i'm suspecting via my sister's persistent urging, he dropped all such demands, and ended up being a good deal of help.

the piano rolled out of the garage and slid onto the trailer so easily and with such little effort that it gave the impression of a cow happily escaping the tortures of factory farm life, only too eager to load itself into a cattle trailer, the enticement and promise of real freedom in the air. if the piano could have felt the licking flames and the shotgun blasts that awaited it's hastily approaching future, i don't think it would have been quite so eager to load itself onto that trailer. as we readied the piano for travel, rick pulled four small photos from his jacket pocket and handed them to me. like pictures of his children, he explained in a thoughtful tone, "now this is the school house that she came out of, and this is her in the room she spent most of her time..." he went on, "you can see the birds got to her a bit, but i saved her from that..." he motioned for me to keep the photos when i tried to hand them back to him.

as we pulled away with the piano in tow, big waves and loud thank-yous were exchanged. the guilt i tell you, could not have been heavier.

watch the making of the blue piano:



attention: if you would like to set our engagement photo as your desktop wallpaper, and i don't see why you wouldn't, you can find it here.

a. the photo was taken in north river, washington, on my grandfather's farm. north river is the kind of place were people once lived and worked, and now, it's just trees and fields and rivers. my grandfather, boyd johnson, passed away a few years ago and his farm and many many barns and outbuildings have since collapsed and become part of the fields. it's both beautiful and tragic in a way that you can hardly bear to see.

b. it was very cold, read: 36 degrees fahrenheit.

c. yes the paint was still wet.

d. look closely and you'll notice the zipper on catherine's dress is broken, and stuck open. brand new dress, broken zipper, 36 degrees outside, perfect.

e. there is a happy ending. my brother didn't have time to drive to north river with us. after some shuffling, the piano finally found a home in his river side gazebo on the black hills. the keys and body of the piano swell up in the moist air for much of the year, but on dry summer nights you can hear her warbley singing, with the faint cry of snow mobiles in the distance.





january 22, 2010

a generation gap (or) i'll google map it.

you'll be old.

you'll ask me, "but do you know how to get here?"

i'll reply, "i'll just google map it."

you'll ignore what i just said and proceed by giving detailed landmark-based turn-by-turn driving directions. directions like, "turn left at the neon elephant car wash, and then continue past the saint vincent de paul, if you see a denny's on the right you've gone too far!"

i'll nod convincingly and ignore everything you say.

i'll google map it.

everything will be lovely.

the end.



january 20, 2010

some information to explain circumstances.


my brother and i grew up in the garage, we had a charmed childhood. when we were young we built a racing go-kart more or less from scratch. we also grew up mormon, which means lots of church. most of you reading this already know both of those facts.

on occasion we would inquisitively ask our parents what heaven will be like, and how it will differ from earth life. without hesitation or variation my mother would always answer, "your go-kart will have tires made of gold!" i would consider this answer for several seconds, mentally listing the advantages and disadvantages of tires made of gold.

part of me wants to swim backward through time to a place where the thought of heaven being golden-tired-go-karts remains wholly satisfying. another part of me just wants a little slice of heaven to sell on ebay in a faltering economy. a single tire could buy quite a bit of happiness.



november 30, 2009

dirty, dirty fingernails (or) a hike in the olympic national forest (or) tldr.

hi.

cat told me all about your rescue plans. i'm sorry that you didn't get the chance.

i'm back, safe but exhausted from it all.

we checked in on friday afternoon at the ranger station in port angeles to pick up our permit and bear canister, and also to do some last-minute checking on the tides and weather. the ranger spoke with us at length regarding the conditions. he spent most of the time warning us about the tides and the swells, and about a minute briefly stating that some of the creeks we would have to ford can be (and i quote) “tricky” if there has been heavy rain. he checked the weather and tide reports with us right there in the station. the forecast called for partly cloudy weather with some winds and temperatures in the high forties to low fifties, no cause for alarm. we got our bear canister and permit, and hurried on to the trailhead.

we started from the trialhead just off of la push road (twihards take note). the trail itself is quite interesting. about two thirds of it is actually on the beach, which, at low tide, ranges from fifty feet wide to only five or six feet wide at the narrowest points. we were told to pay careful attention to the tides, as we could easily get stuck out on a point during a rising tide and have to spend the night huddled on a boulder while the ocean had its way with us. along with half-moon bays and jutting sand bars, there were numerous sea stacks, some a hundred feet tall and featuring their own miniature forests upon their summits.

expand the rest of this post | collapse this post



september 26, 2009

atelier de production et de creation.


i just purchased my first pair of raw denim A.P.C. jeans a few days ago. they're brutally stiff and ridiculously tight. stiff because they're raw denim, and tight because they recommend sizing down, due to the slow but eventual stretching of raw denim. they casually advise sizing down to a point were you struggle to button your new jeans. i'm not exaggerating when i tell you that it takes all of my strength to button these jeans, it is a struggle.

i can't bend at the knees without a considerable amount of effort and ascending a staircase is a nightmare, even walking around my apartment takes real purpose. my bum is flattened to a point where i start to feel genuine sympathy for middle aged asian men (just kidding). i don't wear them outside the apartment for fear of chafing, and public ridicule. my back fat for the first time in my life resembles a muffin top, who prefers the alias, "don juan dedonut" which is spanish for "don want the donut."

if don juan could speak he would coyly bark two things, "make me a sandwich!" followed by, "take off your pants!" what don wants, don gets.

the amount of effort you go to just to wear these pants creates an odd sense of false accomplishment. I caught myself laying in bed last night with my new jeans on, beaming with smug satisfaction, for when you wear A.P.C.s every moment is a productive moment. you're not just lying there, you're breaking in a pair of A.P.C.s... but i don't just lie there, if that's what you're thinking.

i like the idea behind raw denim very much, it's novel to me, but i also find it completely ridiculous. for example, A.P.C. includes the following directions for washing your jeans:

let your jeans get
dirty for as long as
possible (6 months),
go swimming in the
ocean wearing your
jeans, rub your
jeans with dry sand,
and repeat several
times. rinse in
fresh water and
let dry in the sun.

i know. soooo pretentious. i would never go to the ocean to wash my jeans, but don juan has been threatening me all night, and what don wants, don gets.



september 20, 2009

public service announcement.

your volvo is no longer safe when you drive it like a maniac.



september 10, 2009

there will be blood vs. blood diamond.

there will be blood: there was blood.

blood diamond: no diamond made from actual blood.

i'm just saying.



september 10, 2009

twice the utensil, half the dignity, you do the math.

i recently purchased a spork.



august 28, 2009

an observation (or) my bathroom is clean when i'm not wearing my glasses.

my glasses are optional, usually. it's helpful from time to time to wear them, say, if i'm watching a movie that has subtitles, or if i'm driving a car full of passengers whom i don't wish to kill. there is detail in everything with glasses, an observation which is immensely gratifying and minutes later reliably forgotten. the ability to read road signs while driving or to dependably tell my friends apart, it seems is a transitory preference.

in conclusion, a poem:

my face in the mirror
isn't wrinkled or drawn.
my house isn't dirty,
the dust is all gone
my garden looks lovely
and so does my lawn.
i think i will not
put my glasses back on.



august 27, 2009

i'm not making this up.

our tithing check for this month just went through. the remaining balance on our bank account is $666. so...



july 21, 2009

if you are married to me, this is how your birthday gifts were wrapped this year.




i knew that old set of encyclopedias would come in handy some day...

to see all of them click here.




july 21, 2009

a guest post (or) my wife thinks i'm a vampire (or) twilight.



i generally avoid pop culture, because it makes me feel better than people, which arguably has some merit. this however, usually ends in me secretly watching movies months after they've hit their peak in popularity, shortly followed by uncontrollable fits of enthusiastic fervor for the movie, mingled with unfruitful attempts to make myself seem more like a vampire. read: we just watched twilight, and i loved it.

catherine: tu esi mana pasaule tagad.

some highlights from the twilight soundtrack for your listening pleasure:


iron & wine - flightless bird, american mouth.


claude debussy - clair de lune.



june 30, 2009

note:

wearing the same thing everyday only bothers me when someone knows i'm wearing the same thing everyday.



june 28, 2009

our car broke down, welcome to the jungle.


yesterday our car broke down in bellingham, 85 miles north of seattle. most people get freaked out when a car breaks down, i secretly get excited. more than anything in life i love out of the ordinary days. a car breaking down means a long tow truck ride back to seattle with a guy named dwayne, who loves what he does, moved to ferndale to watch his father die, and now his mother. he cursed anyone that pulled in front of him no matter the distance, explaining each time why the driver was an idiot, all of this between sips of pepsi. he's a ford man, and has a guns'n'roses ringtone, which welcomes us all to the jungle each time a buddy of his called, which was often. more often than my phone rings atleast, i like to tell myself it's quality not quantity, right? he was nice, totally ridiculous, but nice.

today i read an article in allure magazine, (i know, i know) entitled 'sunny side up.' it stated: people that expand their circle of friends over the years are happier than those who do not. i guess that makes sense.

so if anyone is interested, you know, in being my friend, technically speaking we'd be doing each other a favor. i'd even be willing to change my ringtone for you.



download it here.



june 25, 2009

the king of pop and other odd things. (or) michael jackson is dead.

today was a normal day for me. lots of power tools. i normally wear earmuffs, cause i don't want to go deaf like my dad. he worked in a saw mill in his youth, and now he mostly doesn't hear anything unless you're speaking loudly and he's wearing his hearing aids.

my job is sort of strange. i do repairs and such on an old house owned by an old doctor who doesn't practice medicine anymore because she was diagnosed with MS a few years ago. her husband died 6 years prior from a different but equally unforgiving disease. he left behind lots and lots of tools. a garage full of tools, stacked floor to ceiling. you get the feeling that it was all once meticulously organized, but now it's more or less in shambles. you'll find the occasional proof that someone use to love this garage and love these tools, but that is only occasionally.

the house, the garage, the shed, the front and backyard, every possible space within the small lot and the old house is crammed full of something. mostly tools, mostly useful things, and lots of duplicates. if you misplace a measuring tape, you don't have to look far to find a second or third or fourth. (i counted 23 tape measures one day when i was looking for something else.) today for example i used four different hand drills, two of which i thought were the same drill. i realized later that they were two different drills, just exact copies of each other. extrapolate this concept to every tool, building supply, and scrap of wood, cram it into a small house on greenlake, throw in several old unframed windows, doors, piles of tile, toilets, miscellaneous bits and bops, and you pretty well have it, this is where i work. the frustrating part however, is that it's never static. everything moves. you can make a mental picture of where you last saw something, and without fail it will be gone, found many days later tucked under a spare uninstalled kitchen cabinet and a pile of cardboard. everything moves, the smallest details of the last drawer of screws in the farthest corner, pulled out, sorted, resorted, spilt on the floor, moved to a tin can, then left in the rain the following day to rust, makes it's way to the basement to be resorted to a plastic bottle, placed in a box and stacked in a bedroom, and then back to the garage after the bedroom gets too full. the amount of energy that this takes is staggering, and you can attributed it all to a woman named bev.

surprisingly, there are glaring omissions from the collection. search the house for a pencil or a pen, or a scrap of usable paper to write something down with and you'll be hard pressed to find anything. most rooms have several light fixtures, most of which are missing the bulb. you'll take light bulbs from one room to the next, depending on which project you have been assigned that day. sometimes you'll buy light bulbs to solve the problem, and even they move, from fixture to fixture, fixture to drawer, drawer to box, box that spills and breaks the bulb. the endless shuffling even makes it's way to the yard. plants don't stay planted for more than a few months, soil is dug up and deeply trenched. some days are spent entirely watering plants, digging them up, replanting them, and watering again, only sometimes she forgets to replant, subsequently and quite sadly, there are very few plants that survive the process.

her husband died, leaving behind a largely unfinished remodel job, pipes and wires hang from the ceiling and walls, insulation lay in large bats on the floor. this is where i enter. this is where i dump my heart and soul into a project that has no end. this is where i toil day in and day out on something that i've grown to hate. this has become my life.

today was normal like any other day, only my normal pair of earmuffs have gone missing, so i search through the house for a second pair. bingo. this pair has built in headphones, so you can listen to the radio while you work. you can tell they haven't been used in years, moved and touched many times, but not used. i put them on, turn the on/volume knob, expecting nothing... much to my surprise and glee they work. on a job like this you are starved for any sort of social interaction, even if it's delivered via talk radio.

i listen to NPR now (thanks cat), it makes you feel grown up and smart, and i have no idea why but i have an insatiable love for iran and it's culture now.

the headphones aren't very good. they go in and out of tune when you tilt your head, and if you bump anything with them, which happens more often than you'd imagine, the tuning knob jumps to one of the dozen or so "man hour" KISW rock talk shows that are now broadcasting in HD, i'm just happy to have anything to listen to, so i leave them on. safety first after all, right?

i bumped the tuning knob to a country station by accident, and i must confess, i didn't change the station as quickly as i would have if anyone else was listening. there was just something about how deeply i hate my job right now, and how sympathetic a good country song can be. it's simple music, but it's got heart, i'll give them that much. i bumped my head again and it jumps to a news alert, that "a massive heart attack has taken the king of pop, michael jackson, at 50 years old."

this news came as a relief. i've always felt sorry for him. he had obvious struggles with living, childhood abuse, the plastic surgeries, the child molestation allegations, creepy monkeys for pets, his life was tragic. sometimes, death seems like the best solution. i just don't like to see people suffer.

i'm at the end of my rope lately. i have too much to do, and far too little time. i find none of it rewarding, none of it exciting, none of it hopeful. cat and i come home exhausted every night only to collapse into each other, sleep a few hours and wake in the morning to repeat what seems like an endless cycle of work. we are however, marathoning lost, because cat hasn't seen it yet, and it's literally the only thing we have energy to do when we get home, in the few spare hours that we get to ourselves, watching TV is no longer a pathetic waste of time, but a godsend. we count the days between disks in the mail, netflix isn't nearly quick enough. all of this is tiring, really tiring, and i suspect it'll change soon, because much more and i'll have a nervous breakdown. there is only so much that an episode of lost can heal in a person.

so there i was. earmuffs. massive heart attack, the king of pop dead. earmuffs. a house in shambles. endless toil. i'm about to give up and just cry. earmuffs. stretched so thin. earmuffs. so tired. earmuffs. michael jackson tribute songs. earmuffs. "i'm starting with the man in the mirror i'm asking him to change his ways." earmuffs...

so instead of giving up and crying, a song changes my day. sometimes hope comes from the least expected places. thanks michael, i owe you one. rest in peace.



download it here.

ps. imri, this might be a good time to get in on some of that michael jackson estate.



june 19, 2009

a small circle.


I read the following blogs on a regular basis:

imri (marriage vitamin habit)
erin (she was born to dance)
megan (mardizaza, what does that even mean?)
wendy (way of the beta)
kate (kakie kakie)

i'm just saying.



june 9, 2009

happy birthday cat! (or) a foxy roxy production.



download it here.

missumushu,

hans



may 16, 2009 (or) stardate -314372.57

captain's log (or) i just saw star trek.

catherine and i have concluded that the red matter, is in fact, concentrated PMS...



may 8, 2009

masticate daily, pun! (or) vitamin A (or) sometimes i draw things.



for a comprehensive explanation of what carrots have done for you and our nation, please watch this informative video.



may 7, 2009

my bedroom, incase you missed it.



these photos were taken about 3 minutes before i ripped down everything in my bedroom and moved all of my stuff out. rest in peace.

notes: let the pictures load, they look terrible for the first few seconds, but they get a lot more clear. also, you can zoom!



april 27, 2009

fer.lo?

the first time i heard the word 'furlough' a few weeks ago (thank you erin), i mistakenly thought it might be a compilation between fergie and j.lo, you can imagine my disappointment.



april 27, 2009

a new record.

number of dresses i've been asked to sew in the past 3 months by friends: 8. number of dresses i've sewn in the past 3 months: 1.

hint: i don't want to sew you a dress.



april 24, 2009

i have a dream.



i wish they would invent oranges that tasted like a creamsicle already. i'm getting pretty sick of this local, organic, sustainable crowd.

just kidding.



april 21, 2009

i'm sitting in my chair now (or) the twittersphere.

let me be the first to announce that i will not be jumping on the twitter-train, just like i promised you i'd never join facebook or buy an iphone.

but seriously, anyone know any good apps for my iphone?



april 21, 2009

fax you guys (or) welcome back hans.

to celebrate earth day i'm having a fax machine installed in my apartment, so that's nice (because i love both wasting paper and 4 hour appointment windows, but what else would i rather be doing from 8am - noon?)

so if you ever want to fax me some cinnamon rolls, that's cool with me.



february 25, 2009

8 bits per byte, 1 journey per lifetime.



download it here.



february 18, 2009

the closer you get to the end, the less bearable it becomes.


regarding the big house:

i hated everything about you, but your rent was just so cheap.



february 4, 2009

happy birthday haydn (or) happy anniversary hans (or) evidence.

today, i just realized is my coming home from my mission anniversary (four years), and also my brothers birthday. i realized both of these facts simultaneously as i typed out the date for this post. sometimes i'm so completely unaware of my surroundings. for example, up until a month or so ago, i didn't know that my dad's birthday is september 11th, that's pretty astounding on several obvious levels. but that's not for here.

now for what you all came here to see. i was reading a book late last night (it was the bible if you must know) and found this little guy between the pages:



it's a note that i wrote to catherine in church several months back, which quickly became the concept behind whatgoogleknows.com.

1,276,244 visits from nearly every country in the world, $14 in total revenue (thank you catherine, imri, erin, and megan) and 17,641 emailed submissions, the majority of which were just so very horrible (google just doesn't care about what you did last summer, sorry.)

WGK is shaking its death rattle, with an average of a hundred hits per day.

this is an open invitation to take the site off my hands.

if you're interested, please submit your proposal here.



february 3, 2009

the fiduciary bag.

i've decided that andrew bird is exactly what sufjan stevens would be, if sufjan tried to be a pretentious douche bag. good thing i love douche bags.



january 28, 2009

so there i was.

today for the first time, i saw nuns in real life. i only caught a glimpse of them for a moment as they turned the corner on to aurora ave, the sex capital of washington, according to dan, but that's not for here. the driver was wildly flailing her one free arm at the passenger, wagging her pointer finger as if it would be more convincing that way, trying really hard to get her point across. all the while, all i could think was, "nuns drive mini vans?" shortly followed by, "that nun needs to iron her headdress." this moment made me wonder why i don't wear my glasses all the time.

seconds later on NPR, cause sometimes i feel like being informed, i heard that if you are largely a vegetarian, but occasionally eat meat, they have a word for that. flexitarianism, i like this concept very much. this made me wonder, why don't i listen to NPR all the time?

the answer is, i don't know why.



january 6, 2009

maybe it's maybelline.

a list of more accurate names for mascara:

pillow case ruiner
towel ruiner
hoodie ruiner
bed sheet ruiner



january 6, 2009

the curious case of the free money.


last night i found $60 on the ground while walking to the theater, and i loved benjamin button. then i came home to a $72 check in the mail from a suit i consigned last summer, which i had completely forgotten about. a night of free and easy money. when you spell america, you spell freedom.



january 6, 2009

2008 taught me.

when your life is awesome, you don't blog.



december 16, 2008

dear megan,

i found your next blog post.



meow meow meow,

hans



december 12, 2008

with just a touch of schizophrenia.

sometimes i spend entire days doing laundry, and every time i want to wear something, it's dirty. i can't figure this out.



november 12, 2008

murder he wrote (or) the stand ins.

i admit it, i wasn't expecting a great album, what with their last album departing from their original style, but there was some hope... maybe, maybe, maybe they'd pull through. i know, it's a tired lament. still i can't help but indulge myself.

in the words of outkast:

took a shower kinda sour cause my favorite group ain't comin with it
but i'm witch you cause you probably goin through it anyway
but anyhow when in doubt went on out and bought it
cause i thought it would be jammin but examine all the flawsky-wawsky
awfully, it's sad and it's costly.

with that said, okkervil river's the stand ins is extremely disappointing. it's loose and poppy and thin, and nobody is murdered in the back seat of their battered mustang, boring...



november 11, 2008

happy 11.11 (or) immaculate misconception.

i'm slowly letting myself realize how hand-building a twenty-five-hundred dollar vintage campagnolo bike wasn't the best idea, i just don't want people getting their sticky little fingers all over my thirty-two-hundred dollar handlebars, come on!!! so should should should should shh sh ssh shhh...





november 10, 2008

reference of possible ingredients (or) next weeks dinner menu.

(fiona) apple
(blue) oyster (cult)
brandy
bread
(jimmy) buffet - this one really opens up the options...
cake
cherry (poppin’ daddies)
cracker
(the) cranberries
cream
(creedence) clearwater
eminem(s)
everclear
ice-t
korn
meatloaf
(pearl) jam
(red hot) chili peppers
salt n pepa
(smashing) pumpkins
vanilla ice

also, anything that you can find in my savage garden, can be used...

good luck.



october 27, 2008

too many mutha'uckas uckin' with my shiiii. (or) a weekend in canada.

based on a true story:

(please watch this before proceeding)

we go to canada for the mutha'uckin' weekend
take the ferry, almost late
but that mutha'ucka ain't eclipsin' me
they charge us twice the fee what it's suppose to be
no steak dinner, almost regrettably
too many mutha'uckas, come on ferry mutha'uckas

starts out nice, but glass doors on the bathroom?
at least we have free utilities, wifi and tv
i guess we'll run the water while we go pee?
we take a walk down yates street
mutha'uckin' bum wants to trade magic for mickey dees
how many mutha'uckas?
too many to count mutha'uckas.

finally find a coat i want to put on me
try to make the purchase
but the banks they're declinin' me
use my line of credit just for this emergency
check my balance when i get home
20 DOLLAR INTERNATIONAL TRANSACTION FEE!
too many mutha'uckas uckin' with my shiiii
my transaction fee shiiii

tryin' to be creative so i buy some adobe
they put a hold on my card, seems like they hate me
call the mutha'uckas up on a tuesday
"looks like you're buying things so suspiciously"
make things straight with the B of A
they say your suite will be there any day
just when it seems like everything will be ok
get another email, says "mutha'uckin' no way!"
mutha'uckas at adobe want to play me
upgrades from windows to a mac
that's a 100 dollar penalty!
digital downloads in your case, not a possibility
but we'll send you the box for a 10 dollar handling fee!
package shows up 2 weeks late, most expectedly
tear the box, unfold the slip and it reads:

"we're all mutha uckas and we're uckin' with your shiiii"

yeah...
too many mutha'uckas uckin' with my shiii
my adobe creative suite shiii
too many mutha'uckas
come on mutha'uckas!



october 17, 2008

barrack obama rides your new bicycle to the presidency.

i don't get into politics too often, (read: never) but this guy has a special place in my heart for many reasons.

p.s. wassup. (thank you imri)



we paid a fair fare to enter the fair and eat a fair amount of fare, don't worry i shared, i'm fair, as for the fare it was fair, but the fair, magnificent! (or) we went to the puyallup fair.



i loved the hot tubs and the skyride and keeping our pants on and the photo booths and the scones and the elephant ears and the caramel apples and the gyros and the body shaking exercise machines and the giant pumpkins and the poorly photoshopped art show and the tractors and the... you.



september 22, 2008

typewriter + light = typelighter?

it's been a long time coming, but i finally finished my typewriter chandelier project for my bedroom. you can start being jealous now, if that's what you're into.



september 19, 2008

what google knows (or) hello internets.

"google knows who the hot girl in the september 6 post of surefiredissapointment.com is and whether she is single and wants to go on a date with me."

i asked her, computer says no... sorry.



september 6, 2008

a 6,000 word essay. (or) this is what we looked like in cannon beach.




august 31, 2008

bon iver (or) the memory game.

after a persuasive pep-talk from erin and some vocal nudging from imri and a few gasps of disbelief from catherine, i climbed on stage after the show (fully expecting to be tasered) and took the set list. in conclusion, yes i'm awesome.



postscript: bon iver (neumos august 30th) takes the best show of 2008 so far.



august 24, 2008

puff pork.

i'm excited for the olympics to be over, so the google logo can return to normal.



august 21, 2008

taking a day off of work.


i got a new desk:



august 19, 2008

under pressure, part ii.

text received from imri:

"next time you take a day off of work, you should blog about it."



august 13, 2008

under pressure.

"i dreamt that you filled your blog full of posts. so much so, it was hard to read them all.

it was obviously just a dream.

you don't blog anymore.

this is pressure."

- imri



august 2, 2008

bicyclists are d-bags. (or) tldr.

i'm a cyclist too, so by no means am i taking sides with drivers. but cyclists, are plainly a-holes. the sense of entitlement to the road has reached ludacris proportions. they're owed everything and pay dearly, ignoring red lights, or any traffic sign or signal. because of course, they're saving the planet, and these special privileges come with such a weighty job.

three examples:

A.

critical mass. the idea behind critical mass is noble and respectable. raise awareness of cyclists on the roadway, simple. but in reality it's more of a pissing contest between cars and bikes, only it's not fair cause the bikes bring extra bottles of stored-up urine, dispensing it vindictively in streams too thick to avoid.

B.

dear cyclist on greenlake way. she was biking toward me, i turned in front of her, leaving her, oh, maybe 25 feet? she didn't even have to slow, plenty of room, ample room, copious amounts of room, between her and i. but of course since i'm in a truck and i'm turning in front of her intended path, i also kill babies and make distasteful jew jokes. everytime this sort of thing happens, the monologue in my head sounds something like, "don't worry little biker, i'm one of you, just settle down some notches or two or three..." but they want me dead, cause i kill babies and hate jews.

C.

dear cyclist on ravenna. this guy. oh man. give him an award.

for much of ravenna there is a dedicated bike lane, the full width of a normal car lane. bikes know this, cars know this, everyone knows this. occasionally the bike lane turns into a left turn lane for cars, and it's clearly posted on large signs in big official letters, "LEFT TURNING MOTOR VEHICLES USE LEFT LANE ONLY." this guy, obviously having mechanical difficulties, parked his recumbent tricycle in the middle of the left turn lane (the only turn lane) on the corner of ravenna and roosevelt. fixing his tricycle in the middle of the street, like the douche bag that he is, only pausing from his work to explode in ongoing fits of douche-baggery, frantically waving greasy hands, motioning for cars to go around him, then leaping up to yell, in the most biting and shrill of voices, directed to an innocent volvo patiently sitting behind him, "YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE!!1!111!!" he next walks to the median between lanes of traffic, abandoning his tricycle, to wipe is greasy hands on the grass. effectively transferring all of his stored-up carbon credits to mother nature.

but on the cereal tip... gotta have my pops.



august 1, 2008

please bless your flight is not delayed.




july 28, 2008

the difference between friends.

if wendy says the phrase 'double d' she's not referring to huge boobs, but instead harmless and innocent double-dutch.

if kaylene says the phrase 'i'm seeing 3D' she's not referring to the 3rd dimension, but rather huge boobs.

just an observation.



july 21, 2008

boys are microwaves, girls are ovens. (or) don't rush it.

you know that megan is in your close circle of friends when you find yourself replacing every word of a song with the word "meow."



july 19, 2008

dine in your car (or) dying in your car.

most favorite part of my bus ride yesterday: when the butch dark haired, middle aged woman of medium build, wearing solar shield sunglasses got up from her seat, and was immediately replaced by the butch red haired, middle aged woman of medium build, wearing the exact same pair of solar shield sunglasses. i love public transportation.



july 15, 2008

there's no room in this tummy for jello. (or) for sale by owner.

so, i moved. just down the street actually. it's a cute place. a quiet neighborhood. i love it.

the floors squeak happily under my weight.

it's the sort of house you imagine yourself living in all your life, having dinner parties with fancy china that doesn't match, and babies that share your nose or eyes or lips, and long summers but even longer falls, because mittens and jackets and scarves... everything about it is charming and adorable and mysterious, and you just don't move from a house like this.

we started cooking together every sunday. mostly simple things. her favorite is chinese food, i've never been a fan really. but she makes this mushu pork that i eat until i can't eat anymore. trust me, it's good.

our friends invite us over for dessert after we've had our dinner, it's a sunday tradition. i have to sheepishly admit that i've eaten too much already, and i'm sorry, but this tummy has no room for jello.

but then, jello was never good for you anyway.

4663293 3673837 784273668.



july 13, 2008

oh my goat getters (or) OMGGs!



megan, please return imri's goat as soon as possible.



july 12, 2008

señor moose.

first let me introduce a new way of judging everything.

the scale:


peanuts to cashews.

the idea:

inspired by austin's armpit sweat in a very hot restaurant last night, imri and i came up with this idea:

THE HUMAN THERMOMETER T-SHIRT!!!

i know. i just esploded a jar of cashews all over the internets.



july 6, 2008

a mid-sunday walk.



latitude: 47°40'5.98"N
longitude: 122°18'38.33"W

where i knew i didn't want you to leave.



july 6, 2008

we're here to pump YOU up!


one time i flexed in church, and my shirt ripped.

2008 goals attained.



june 27, 2008

well, let's just say that i'm buy-curious.

every time i drive to and from work i pass the bainbridge island television station. it's a small building shrouded in trees, looking exactly like you don't expect a TV station to look. that is to say completely non-descriptive, lacking any sort of lustre, for they reserve anything polished and presentable for the airwaves, dutifully broadcasting their meager supply of dignity elsewhere. this particular TV station goes by the acronym BITV... i know. better yet, their obligatory website can be found at BITV.ORG.

that's right, bisexual transvestite orgy. now you know the rest of the story.



june 26, 2008

IT'S GON' RAIN!!!

me: question
i need your social judgment.
wendy: ok
me: if i drew a dinosaur and called it "nigga plesiosaurus" would that be funny, or wrong?
wendy: hahaa
hahaaaa
that's awesome
me: ok
funny...



june 22, 2008

a tangy breakfast marmalade.

imri, "if i ever start a clothing line i'm going to call it 'Lesbian Jam.'"
as he doodled the monogram "LJ" over and over on a scrap of paper in church.



june 22, 2008

the death of a format. (or) my supply of polaroid film lessens.

engaged



june 22, 2008

répondez s'il vous plaît.

this just in... RSVPing is awesome.



june 21, 2008

lying liars.

i'm sick of people that don't keep their word.
like oh, "i'd kill for a milk shake right now."

liar...



copyright © hans johnson